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Schnitzel Paradise


by Martin Koolhoven

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VO (Voice off): Meet Nordip Dounia, who has just passed his A-levels with grades that others could only dream of.
Nadir (Nordip’s brother): Yo, fake boyo from Morocco, congratulations with your diplomo, homo!
Father [in Arabic]: You dirty pig!
Nadir: What’s the use of all these straight-A’s if you can’t even score a chick?
VO: His father has big plans for him...
Father: Nordip works in the library. Temporarily, until he starts his studies.
VO: But Nordip has different ideas...
Sander (chef): Are you sure you want to work here? (...) The most important thing in the kitchen is to know your place. And that place, is at the very bottom. No-one will have to consider your position for even one split second. Here, you are worth absolutely nothing!
Mrs Meerman (boss): You could always return to your own sort at the community centre. What I mean to say is...
Mo (kitchen aid): ...that’s discrimination! I could have you reported!
Sander: Oh yeah?
Mo: Yeah.
Sander: Oh yeah?
Mo: Yeah.
Sander: Oh yeah?
Amimoen (kitchen aid): Yeah. Reported.
Ali: Ali.
Nordip: Nordip
Ali: Nordil
Nordip: -dip.
Ali: -dil.
Nordip: -dip!
Ali: dilp!
Nordip: -dip!
Amimoen: You can’t just trust everyone in here. You need some counselling; like a coach or something. You will have to listen very carefully to the advice that Mo and I will give you.
Mo: Listen "fucking" carefully!
Amimoen: Yo, speedy; take it easy, man. Do you want a burn-out or something? (...) Do you think Bill Gates sweats of his brow every day?
Agnes (waitress): Do you happen to fancy me?
Nadir? A chicklet? You? Ha-ha!
Amimoen: Forget about her. Not on your life!
Agnes: You’re not my type.
Nordip: How would you know?
Agnes: My parents would never agree.
Nordip: What if I did fancy you?
Sander: What are you ogling at her for, asshole? This is not a retirement home; get back to work!
Insert on screen: This autumn...
Amimoen: Yo, Sander; I think you are my son, man! I once fucked a hippo and you look just like its mother!
Insert on screen: Finally a comedy with some humour!
Father: A job in the library; that is great! [in Arabic]: God has blessed me with a son like him.
Agnes: ...the bread is old, the water tastes funny and all of a sudden they have decided to order schnitzels!
Willem (chef): Schnitzels?
Goran (butcher): Schnitzels!
Amimoen: Turkey is over there, lad; go and munch your stuff over there. Silly immigrant!
Mo: Kssst!

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